As the Reader’s Digest has said for years, “Laughter is the best medicine”. So, today we’re going to post some military humor to give you a smile to start your day. Enjoy.
Military Communications
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t appear to speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
American Army Soldier Yarn
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Some Quickie Jokes
What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
How many guns do you need for a firefight?
Two. One for us to shoot and one for the United States to sell to the enemy so he can shoot us back.
How do different military branches use stars?
The Army sleeps under the stars.
The Navy navigates by the stars.
The Air Force chooses hotels by the stars.
What month do all troops hate?
March.
What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?
In the Marines, they kill the scorpion.
In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.
Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?
When they finally come home, they get to leave their mother-in-law thousands of miles away.
Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home an A in math?
His son spent more time dividing than conquering.
What’s the Marines’ main mission?
To make sure the Army never gets their feet wet.
An airman, soldier, and Marine are sitting around talking about hardships they faced on their last deployment.
Airman: “The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside!”
Soldier: “WTF, you had air conditioners?”
Marine: “Wait, stop. You had tents?”
What do you call a Marine who can read and write?
“Sir! Yes, Sir!”
What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces?
They all originally set out to become Marines.
You can now be fined $500 for calling an officer an “asshole.”
Fifty bucks for calling them an “asshole” and $450 for disclosing classified information.
Army rules: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn’t move, pick it up. If you can’t pick it up, paint it.
Son: “Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier?”
Dad: “The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chem lights.”
Two Army 2nd lieutenants in North Carolina were going into the training area at night and were arguing about distances.
One said, “OK, Smarty, which is closer, Florida, or the moon?”
The second one said, “DUH? The moon is closer. You can’t see Florida!”
How do you know if there’s an Air Force pilot at your party?
Oh, don’t worry. He’ll tell you as soon as he walks in.
An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.
The Airman finishes up and heads out. When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman. “Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.”
The airman responds, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands.”
